radio puppet theater

Twenty Eleven

2011-01-01T09:54:00.003-05:00

Another ball, another hangover. Let's see if we can get our act together around here for the new year.

Fax Machine Anthems, Get Your Damn Hands Up

2010-08-27T08:00:00.004-04:00

Are you glad it’s Friday? Hell yes.

Less Funny "Ha Ha," More Funny "Oh Crap."

2010-08-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

While Pakistan normally brings to mind images of your nuclear-armed crazy "down the block" neighbor who probably harbors fugitives for fun and profit, lately the region has been the center of disater and hardship not of their own political doing.

Best estimates from the international community say over 2,000 Pakistanis have died due to recent flooding, with over 20 Million displaced. Over 1/5th of the country is under water.

Pakistan is also believed to be the current hiding place of Osama bin Laden (remember him?) and, as a result, the West has a vested political and emotional intrest in the recovery of the area, besides basic human decency and aid.

If you were to guess which organization was operating the most efficient and effective relief camps (providing water, food, medicine, and housing,) who would you pick?

You would probably be wrong.

Same Place, Same Time, Really Different Dream

2010-08-26T08:00:00.003-04:00

Looking for something to do this weekend?

The Martin Luther King of our time, Glenn Beck, is leading his legions in a march on Washington this Saturday, August 28th. This happens to be the anniversary of King's "I Have A Dream" speech (and the aniversary of Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the DNC Convention, but, for some reason, he fails to mention that.) To drive the point home that his version of America is better than yours, Beck will be giving his speech at the focal point of his rally, the footsteps of the Lincoln Memorial. Yes, that Lincoln Memorial.

Does this take balls? HUGE ones. (Particularly the "Glenn Beck Morning Prayer." Sample prayer: "Lord, thank you for making me white. Kill the Muslims. Amen.") But just what type of person is going to be attending Whackapalooza?

Guys like this.

This Maine Tea Partier is making sure his followers are not only ready and willing to show the love, but will be safe from the dirty foreigners that infest Washington D.C. Actually, this is a good primer for anyone who has never visited DC AND has never seen any "black people." SO it is a double-win! As always, my favorite part come from the user comments, and one of the converted relaying his experiences in the Capital:

While I was there I stayed in a cheap motel and had the window
open. I was on the third floor. While I was on the phone, there was
a burst of 9MM automatic weapons fire on the street. It was live in the
street of Washington, DC, which is more dangerous than Baghdad.

Good times. We are free at last.

Does Anyone Here Speak Jive?

2010-08-25T08:30:00.001-04:00

You would think this was a joke. You be wrong.

Home-Delivered Crazy Wrapped in a Red, White, and Blue Bow

2010-08-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

Your good Doctor has long believed that social network sites are no place to espouse political beliefs. Your friends don’t want to know that you voted for Alan Keyes and were not drunk at the time, and you don’t want to know that your long-lost buddy has a picture of Dick Cheney making out with the corpse of Dick Nixon tattooed on his ass. It is the same “wink/nod” approach you take in church when the Klan member in the pew in front of you sings a hymn about unity. (Side note: this was the case in my church as a kid. Seriously.)

So, when a friend of mine posted a poll on Facebook questioning President Obama’s decision to spend Veterans Day in Chicago instead of Arlington National Cemetery (because he is probably a Muslim fake-president) I felt the need to respond, in the sake of historical accuracy, and fairness.

Over the course of a brief back and forth, I opined that one can dislike the President for whatever reason they want, legitimate or not. However, if this was going to be the rock she built her campsite on, she should be sure she is right. (Another side note: Obama did not attend the ceremonies at Arlington Cemetery this year, just like Regan did not in four of his eight years, W in four of his eight, and the way GHWBush skipped Arlington all four years of his presidency, and he was a VETERAN of WWII.)

I pointed this out, which was followed by a different commenter over three different postings over five minutes that the president was a “SOB.” I then thanked that person for his well thought out, reasoned, adult response. What followed that is presented below.

Sometimes, the crazy is just given right to you.

Names have been omitted to preserve anonymity. Spelling, grammar, syntax, and mouth-foaming apoplexy are presented in their entirety, to preserve the insanity:

One question- since it seems your an Obama Fan. Did you serve your country for the Freedom to say whats on your Mind? My Brother and I DID!!!! So before you come on my wifes page preaching to a man that put his country before himself, with me at his side every day,think twice before insulting him. You can take your calm rational manner to Washington Dc and Join the Obama communist parade and wave your commie pinko fag boxer breifs from a flagpole for all I care. John and I fought for YOU to have that right, the same as for me to call you an asshole. Asshole because this isnt your place to come on here and insult any of her friends. You only really got MY attention because of who the friend is. Your only safely sitting behind your computer keyboard insulting him BECAUSE of him and I and people like us that served to protect your safety and freedoms. You go to your profile and insult all the people you want, dont do it here, especially to John. I'd venture to say you didnt serve your country or you'd see what freedoms the man you are defending is taking from you. So HERE IS WHAT GETS ME GOING- Its because of people like you that put that POS in office, that we are seeing our freedoms removed, Healthcare costs shoved down our hardworking throats, raising our national debt to levels that make the Chinese smile as they BUY AMERICA, and the government taking over our banking system and grabbing hold of anything they can while they have a socialist in disguise in office. He was going to bring home our troops, all of them, Remember that promise? Do you rememebr that he has actually increased the amount of Troops deployed? He lied to you to get your vote. How do you like your change now? Did you not care about the AIG execs that he pushed to get there company baled out of there financial troubles and then they went to a swank resort in California with our tax dollars to celebrate? BOA, Fanny Mae, any of it? How quick you forget all the false promises, followed by all the deceit and tax dollars he has wasted giving back to his Million Dollar contributors that got him elected. For Christs sake the man had a press conference to call a Cop that was doing his job STUPID, have any other Presidents gotten involved with a local Police department matter Mr Historically accurate???? With that said He could have showed up to the ceremony to remember our Fallen that have given there lives for us.Or are you saying that the Black Harvard Professor incident was more worth his time? My wife has been a firm Democrat since I knew her until YOUR boy took office. So put that in your Obama pipe and smoke it!"

Funny thing is, I still don’t know what gets him going…

Oh. Now I Get It…

2010-08-24T08:30:00.004-04:00

As you may have noted, the “Crisis Against America” du jour is the looming construction of the 9/11-Ground Zero-Obama Mosque in New York City that: 1. is not a Mosque, 2. is not located at Ground Zero, and 3. will be located next a strip club, restaurants, businesses, and all the other trappings of everyday life for people of all faiths and backgrounds that, up until now, have not done anything to trample on the memories of those that died.

While most of the uproar seems to be rooted in good, old white redneck American xenophobia, there may actually be a good reason to protest the construction. RPT has recently uncovered the construction plans for “the Site” and, as you can see for yourself, there is reason for anger indeed:

Seriously. Puma? Everyone knows that is so 1980s. Haven’t any of the planners heard of Sketchers?

Unless this is some sort of veiled “Black Panthers” reference. Damn Obama.

Paperback Writer

2010-08-24T08:00:00.002-04:00

"Dear Sir or Madam would you read my book? It took me years to write, would you take a look?"

This book is cool, and the author is hot. Trust me on this.

(there is a link to this book attached to the left-hand panel as well. Click away, buy a copy, and tell your friends. All of them. Now.)

F.U.B.A.R.

2010-08-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

click to enlarge

There is a Pulse

2010-05-15T01:52:00.001-04:00

I'm still alive, kiddies. Sorry for the silence.

Oxycodone is great, if you like to be lazy

2010-01-29T08:00:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the off-week. Your Doctor had surgery and was out of it for the bulk of the week. I woke up long enough to think I saw President Obama calling everyone a bunch of motherfuckers during the State of the Union, but I don't know if I was hallucinating or not.

Let me check FOX News and get back to ya.

In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

2010-01-28T19:34:00.001-05:00

RIP J.D. Salinger.

The Funniest Thing Walmart has done since convincing grown men that pleated khaki pants are not just for 12 year olds.

2010-01-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

More, Please

2010-01-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

click to enlarge
click here to see my ouchie

Hot Friday

2010-01-22T08:00:00.001-05:00

It's Friday. Shake your Supergrass.

Bye, Bye Co Co

2010-01-21T13:00:00.001-05:00

Headlines sucks.

For the Record

2010-01-21T10:25:00.003-05:00

Spring Training starts in a few short weeks, and in the event anyone needed reminding:

So are you also going to tell me that Mark McGuire used steriods? That wrestling is fake? When does it Stop?

2010-01-21T08:00:00.001-05:00

John Edwards admitted that he is that father of Rielle Hunter's child, and that he and his wife Elizabeth have separated. Yes, the Democrats have major problems right now, but can you imagine if this assclown had been the nominee, or elected? I mean, I will take incompetent leadership over destruction of the party any day, but did he have to be such a dick?

Young had also taped an interview with 20/20 to be aired next week. In that interview, Young claims Edwards asked him to arrange a fake paternity test.

"Get a doctor to fake the DNA results," Young said Edwards told him.

Edwards also wanted to find out secretly if the baby really was his, Young alleges.

"And he asked me ... to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child," he says in the interview.

And what does this mean for Joe Biden? Reviewing the last few Democratic Vice-Presidential nominees we have:

Geraldine Ferraro - now securely in the role of "crazy grandma" of the party. Remember her great defense of Hillary? No? Neither do we.
Lloyd Bentsen - used his public stage to show he had more mental firepower than Dan Quayle, while simultaneously providing the only moment of the campaign people remember, other than Dukakis in the tank. How hard was either of those?
Al Gore - regardless of actual vote totals, could not destroy George W. Bush in any debate, and refused to let Bill Clinton campaign for him and seal the deal. Then to top it off, he picked...
Joe Liebermann - lost the primary in his own state, left the party, and was going to run with John McCain as his VP.
John Edwards - uugh. Provides Democrats with the silver lining of, "at least Clinton didn't knock anyone up."

If I am Joe Biden, I am finding the cure for cancer.

Hangover Plus One

2010-01-20T08:00:00.001-05:00

Barack Obama was inagurated as President of the United States one year ago today. How do you think the whole "not smoking anymore" thing is holding up?

And, do you think he may wish for a pile of rubble he can stand on top of? And if so, can that pile of rubble include Harry Reid?

Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Love

2010-01-19T08:00:00.005-05:00

During the Holiday Break, we missed acknowledging the birthday of Elvis Presley, which reminds me of this story, which is completely true:

In 1992, the United States Postal Service commemorated the birth of Elvis by featuring his likeness on a postage stamp, and allowed the American Public to choose which image would grace the stamp. The final choices were an image of Elvis as a young, rebellious, rocker/movie star, and an image of him as a Vegas-inspired, jumpsuit-clad, vicodin lover.

After a long voting process, young Elvis was chosen, and has since become one of the most popular stamps ever produced by the Postal Service. My on-air reaction to this was the following,

This week, the Postal Service announced that Young Elvis has won the nationwide vote,and will be appearing on stamps in the near future. Personally though, if I had to lick the backside of a Presley, I'd rather it be Lisa Marie.

When I got home that night, my mother told me that the joke was inappropriate. My father, on the other hand, thought it was very funny.

Act of God

2010-01-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

click to enlarge

Paging Mr. Merrick

2010-01-15T08:30:00.006-05:00

It's Friday. Shake your trunk...

UPDATE: This post has been edited from its original posting. The title of the post was changed because it was far cooler. Sorry about the delayed gratification.

Brithday on the Interwebs

2010-01-15T08:00:00.001-05:00

Two years ago, a bouncing baby crawled through the digital cervix. A few notes:

Notice that the date of publication and the date on the actual comic are different. I fired the person in charge of continuity that afternoon (sorry Mom.)
Notice the misspelling in the second frame. After that, I decided not to write these when I was high on horse tranquilizers.
Notice my very first punch line is about Jamie Lynn Spears. Jamie Lynn Spears. Really, there is no apology sufficient enough.

Although, I used Britney on Wednesday, so I don't know if this place has matured or not...

I'm With CoCo

2010-01-14T08:00:00.003-05:00

And, apparently, so is Adolf. Who knew he was such a fan of the Irish?

Fun fact: Leno is Italian for douche. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is funnier than any joke Jay told for 19 years on the Tonight Show.)

NBC - I poop on you.

Ma'am? In the interest of National Security, I need to see your Vagina.

2010-01-13T08:00:00.003-05:00

On December 17, 1903, Orville Wright flew an airplane for twelve seconds, marking the first, engine-powered flight in the history of man. Throughout the century since then, airplanes have crashed due to engine problems, been blown up by bombs, and been flown into buildings (though Rudy Guliani may dispute that last one.) After these tragedies, safety and security measures were enacted, mostly unnoticed, and the traveling public went about their lives.

On December 22, 2001, a man named Richard Reid tried to blow up a plane with a bomb he had planted in his shoe. His attack was unsuccessful, thankfully keeping the phrase "it's gotta be the shoes" out of the bloody hands of Al Queida. After this incident, a strong new security measure was put in place requiring every airplane passenger in the United States to take off their shoes. (My dad would call this "fixing the barn door after the cows have left.)

I am not kidding. In 98 years and five days of human flight, one guy, one time tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoe, and now everyone who wants to fly needs to take their shoes off.

On December 25, 2009, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow up a U.S. bound plane with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear.

The result:

At least Britney Spears will be able to skip right through the checkpoints from now on...

2010: The Year of the Crazygasm

2010-01-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

So, I go away for two weeks and everyone looses their damn minds?

Just when I was getting bored out of my skull watching the Democrats prove that they cannot govern their way out of a wet paper bag if given scissors, and convincing myself that the idea of health-care reform was much better than actual health-care reform, somebody tries to blow up his ass on an airplane, our Negro President is to blame, and, apparently, 9/11 did not actually happen. Plus, we are losing not only Oprah, but Tyra, and Simon Cowell.

And why is anyone surprised that our girl Sarah is now on FOX?

What does all of this mean to you? A banner year here at the Theater tm (and it's an election year!) Keep your arms inside the car, kids. Daddy is gonna ignore the speed limit for a while.

Da Prezdent Don' Play Dat Shiznik

2010-01-11T08:00:00.001-05:00

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At Least I Have Not Been Holding My Breath.

2010-01-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

It's 2010. Where is my flying car?

Cool Yule Break

2009-12-23T08:00:00.002-05:00

Long weekend ahead, with cheer, and tidings, and the like. The crazy never takes a holiday, but the theater does.

Enjoy the nog and the big falling ball, and thanks for joining us for the ride so far. More funny is coming. We'll see you next year.

I Know What I Did Next Summer

2009-12-22T08:00:00.001-05:00

Yeah. Oh yeah.

You'd Better Not Pout

2009-12-21T08:00:00.001-05:00

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Thump Day

2009-12-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

It's Friday. Shake your icky ass.

Does Your Mother Know?

2009-12-16T08:00:00.002-05:00

The inductees for the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame were announced. If you were given a choice between two bands, and could only pick one to call "rock n roll," would you pick these guys?

...or these guys?

Seriously?

Thanks, but No Thanks

2009-12-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

click to enlarge

It Don't Make Cents

2009-12-11T08:00:00.009-05:00

It's Friday. Get your motherfuckin' hands up.

I Want to Believe

2009-12-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

There are moments when the mission of this Theater is very easy to achieve. Do yourself a favor and take some time out of your day to educate yourself on the Niburian Council. I swear to God this is real.

They are among us, and they have a marketing department.

As a tease, this nugget comes from the Mission Statement of the NC:

To assist those who came to earth to be the teachers, healers and inventors who will usher in the 5th dimensional reality. Most of these individuals are starseeds, walk-ins and lightworkers. In this site you will find a vast repository of higher dimensional knowledge needed to help you remember and complete your missions, recode your DNA and ascend, while at the same time helping others to do the same. In addition, we provide you with emotional and physical support.

Hey, America. Your crazy is showing.

Ho, Ho, ho

2009-12-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

A jolly happy soul, indeed.

How Do You Sleep?

2009-12-08T08:00:00.002-05:00

Mark David Chapman is a prick bastard.

Cosell knew it. Koppel Knew it. We all know it.

We all shine on.

JL 12-08-80

Onward CHRISTian Soldiers

2009-12-07T08:00:00.001-05:00

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Tryptophan Induced Indifference

2009-11-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

Enjoy the weekend. The Doctor wants him some turkey.
Gobble, gobble.

Oh No! No O?

2009-11-23T08:00:00.001-05:00

click to enlarge

Free World Friday

2009-11-20T08:00:00.002-05:00

Forget Health Care. Forget Sarah Palin. Forget all the crap. Get up off your ass and rock the hell out.

PS - These 7 minutes may be the coolest in the history of MTV. They were most certainly the last time that channel was worth watching.

An American Life (or The Modern Prometheus)

2009-11-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

We cannot blame Sarah for all of this.

Let that sink in a bit. I know it may seem incorrect, and your first instinct may be to tear your garments and shout in tongues (because, really, listening to that crazy harpie will do that to the best of us) but, as your Doctor, I must advise you to take this to heart.

Take yourself back to the halcyon days of early summer in the year 2008. The smell of inter-party primary love-fights wafted through the air, the tea-party fringe was still trying to figure out in which direction to move forward, and the McCain 2008 campaign was dead as a Patrick Swayze (who was still alive at the time.)

(btw- the rally clip above is well worth the 4 minutes of your time. Hell, the first 50 seconds alone are worth the price of admission. "I am fighting against freedom!" Somebody find this chick, please, and get her in bed with Glenn Beck.)

During those weeks, Sarah Palin was unknown to anyone other than a few inuit hobos and western frontier sports fans. Those were good days.

Then the crazy doctor came down from his castle. Hate Sarah if you must (actually, its quite easy) but blame McCain.

PS - on a completely selfish front, though, this chick will keep us knee deep in craze-inspired funny for decades to come, so thanks for the softball Johnny Mac. Still though, F you.

Not Just "Very Effective," but "Very, Very, Very Effective"

2009-11-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

As the all-Sarah-Palin-all-the-time media blitz continues during her freak week of touring and interviews in support of her new book (while simultaneously providing the opportunity for effortless mocking and derision from a whole host of sources,) the recipient of our affection continues to pave new roads through crazy town.

That said, as one who operates this theater and needs material, please say this is true. Please, please, please...

Pretty please?

Dead or Canadian?

2009-11-17T08:00:00.001-05:00

Ken Ober died, and with him, a big bit of our collective youth.

Answer: not Canadian. R.I.P. Ken.

The Girl Can't Help It!

2009-11-16T08:00:00.005-05:00

click to enlarge

Don't Forget Your Jacket.

2009-11-13T08:00:00.002-05:00

Friday's here. Shake it and be amazed.

You know, the departure of Holmes did leave an opening over at FOX...

2009-11-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

Is he going to blame this job loss on illegal immigrants, too?

The Horror of Wingnut-on-Wingnut Crime

2009-11-11T08:00:00.003-05:00

Even FOX is going rogue on her, but who knew she prefers it on the face?

See? The Yankees Don't Win Everything.

2009-11-10T20:30:00.001-05:00

Get used to this. I sense a pattern.

By the way, Hell yeah!

The Future is Copywritten

2009-11-09T08:00:00.001-05:00

click to enlarge, not to have it make sense, just enlarge

My Girl Friday

2009-11-06T08:00:00.003-05:00

Friday fun day. Shake your ass.

If Scarlett is reading this, she can shake anything she wishes...

Get Ready for Spring Training

2009-11-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

Anyone know why there was no World Series this year?

Weird.

Doin' it, and Doin' it, and Doin' it Well (or We're Off to Fuck the Wizard)

2009-11-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

Your Doctor is never one to ignore the advice of the other medical personalities, even if they have been spawned from the loins of the great Oprah.

Dr. Oz, who follows Dr. Phil, and Dr. Rachel Ray, believes he has his finger on why the general American populous is so damn testy. Aristophanes put it to stage, yours truly examined it in digital black and white, and now the good Dr. Oz puts the topic right in your face, or some other body part, depending on what you are doing at the time. His prescription for our psyche? The old up and down.

I, for one, am liking this already. Wanna help the country? Saddle up, you kinky bitch. The spurs are optional, but preferred.

God Bless America.

Boo

2009-11-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

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Trouble Brewin'

2009-10-23T07:00:00.001-04:00

It's Friday. Booty shakin' time...

See, your resume is not so bad when compared to others out there...

2009-10-19T08:00:00.004-04:00

Ever wonder what it is like to have a joke handed to you? Bingo.

Candy Everybody Wants

2009-10-19T07:00:00.001-04:00

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Friday Foo

2009-10-16T07:00:00.002-04:00

It's Friday. Get off your ass.

James Cameron has a Massive Boner Right Now

2009-10-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

I am all for nostalgia and remembrance. However, thousands of visitors can walk through Gettysburg National Park and learn about the horrors of battle without anyone actually having to take a bullet to the groin. Also, I have learned to never trust luck or tempt fate, and certainly do not try both simultaneously. Now, if you take all of these ideas and mash them up in a smoothie blender of crazy, you are bound to wreck havoc on your weekend.

With that in mind, cue Celine Dion.

Captain, My Captain

2009-10-14T21:28:00.003-04:00

Goodnight, sir. Rubber bands for everyone...

World Wide What?

2009-10-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

Every once in a while, your Doctor has a fit of paranoid self-doubt and believes that the Theater tm is one of the least-interesting, worst-executed addresses to visit in the entire internet. Then I am directed to places like this.

I'm much better now. Michael Steele on the other hand...?

The ticket office is always open

2009-10-13T08:00:00.001-04:00

If there was a position of Chairman Emeritus of this Theater, it would be held by Jon Stewart.

What do you mean it's not flat?

2009-10-12T09:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Columbus Day, slackers.

Country First

2009-10-12T08:00:00.001-04:00

click to enlarge

Instant Karma

2009-10-09T13:02:00.002-04:00

Happy Friday. We all shine on...

One After 909

2009-10-06T07:00:00.001-04:00

Our baby, the Afghanistan War, is nine today. How is that working out for you?

P.S. Russia and Britain send their best.

Where Have You Been All My Life?

2009-10-05T09:00:00.000-04:00

Can a dude love another dude? I submit Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC.)

Now the real question is, how long before news of this really gets out and the RNC promptly shoves his head back up his ass?

The Euphoria of Low Expectations

2009-10-05T08:00:00.003-04:00

O wow.

Out of Both Sides of Your Ass

2009-10-05T07:00:00.001-04:00

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Friday Fixer

2009-10-02T07:00:00.001-04:00

It's Friday. Move your ass.

Tin Foil Hats for Everyone

2009-10-01T07:00:00.002-04:00

You would hope that this is parody. It's not.

Dora the Explorer

2009-09-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

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Do You Know Why "Headlines" is Moderately Amusing? Because He Does Not Write Them.

2009-09-29T15:08:00.000-04:00

Not to get too Mary Hart-y in this forum, but, concussion or not, you have to believe that Conan O'Brien thinks that Jay Leno is a total dick.

He Is Very Well Spoken

2009-09-29T09:28:00.000-04:00

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I Love You, Sarah Palin

2009-09-28T19:46:00.005-04:00

Christmas is coming early this year. Can you say stocking-stuffer?

You had me at "you betcha!"

P.S. If the book alone does not provide material for months to come, the funniest (albeit unintentional) part of the link provided is the "comments" provided by that blog's readership. My favorite:

This is excellent news....and I love the title.
Can't wait to read it.
Is it just me....or does she always exceed expectations?
Sarah 2012

Yes, she always does.

P.P.S. I wonder if Conservatives4Palin will link to RPT now as a manner of courtesy?

P.P.P.S. I'm thinking not.

Hazing Arizona

2009-09-27T21:32:00.007-04:00

Maybe its the dry heat.

I have never been to Arizona, but the fact that they continually send John McCain to Washington as their representative provides me a pretty fair understanding about their ideas of fairness and compassion for others.

Apparently though, even having the Maverickette TM as your political soul-mate does not make you the most embarrasing Senator from Arizona. Republican Senator John Kyl demonstrates.

You know, Senator, I don't need to have my head removed from my ass, so covering that procedure will make my insurance payments go up for something I will not actually need, but still...

Dogs and Cats Living Together...Mass Hysteria

2009-09-25T19:39:00.000-04:00

How do you satirize satire? That was a question I was wrestling with during the most recent departure from this theater, and a leading cause in the length of the vacation. I must lead off by saying that, if you ever decide to start your own politically-minded, snarky blog, you can pick no better time to do so than during a presidential campaign. You will be thankful for the endless material, and the limitless surprises that lay the funny down at your feet each morning.

However, if we all now live in a world where the absolute craziest-sounding absurdity flows freely from the mouths of the dumbest among us, and all of this is taken on face value not only as truthful news but also as a reflection of the psyche of the nation, how in the hell is anyone supposed to write anything funnier than that?

As example, I give you this (the fun parts start at the :48 second mark.) There is no way I could have ever created anything as funny as her, then stuck her into the middle of an event even more ridiculous, that celebrated a cause that is even further off the rails. This is the hat-trick of comedy. Which punch line do you focus on? How do you come up with all of this without being completely baked? Who did her hair? Hence, while this theater was ready to roll out the funny, I never expected that the objects of my ridicule would become direct competition. It is as if all the politicians and pundits decided, en masse:

Too bad funny boy. Check out the crazy shit we are pulling off now, and these people will still follow us anywhere! What are you gonna do now about your liberal, Jesus-killing lifestyle now, queer? Hey, who wants more Pabst?

Well, I taught the dog a new trick. Line em up, barkeep. Daddy is thirsty.

Crazy Uncle Olaf

2009-09-24T21:12:00.008-04:00

When President Reagan was dropping bombs into this guy's breakfast nook in 1986, who would have ever believed that it would be Khaddafi not only ranting on and on in front of the U.N. 23 years later, but also that our big friend and ally of the time would be the one pushing up sand?

Also, do you think that there is an international standard for crazy among neighbors in the Middle East? You know, something along the lines of:

I must tell you, Khaddafi may be a crazy habib, but he is no Ahmadinejad. No sir. That one is daffy.

And if there is such a standard, where does Venezuela fall in line?
(thanks honey!)

Morning Glory in America

2009-09-23T20:11:00.000-04:00

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The Rebirth of Cool

2009-09-21T20:38:00.010-04:00

I am constantly impressed by what a fresh coat of paint and a rearranging of furniture will do to a place, aren't you?

Welcome back to the theater. Things look a bit different, and things will play a bit different as we move along, but the theme remains: screw the crazies. The absence was a result of time and life tripping each other in the hallways, as they tend to do, but we are open for business once again and ready for the funny. I just figure the funny can manifest in ways other than little black and white comics. Well, in other ways in addition to little black and white comics. Because, you know, the comics are kinda funny.

Not funny in a Glenn Beck sort of way, but close.

How do you spell "quitter?"

2009-07-27T23:38:00.002-04:00

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Yeah. He sucks.

2009-02-07T22:04:00.003-05:00

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Wrong Cart, Wrong Horse

2008-11-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

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Good Day

2008-11-05T09:34:00.002-05:00

The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change.
Here, on the pulse of this fine day You may have the courage
To look up and out upon me, the Rock, the River, the Tree, your country.
No less to Midas than the mendicant.
No less to you now than the mastodon then.

Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes, intoYour brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning

-from On The Pulse of The Morning
Maya Angelou, at the inaugration of President Clinton, January 20, 1993

One Last Gentle Reminder

2008-11-03T13:03:00.000-05:00

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Baked Alaska

2008-10-28T00:22:00.000-04:00

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RPT Special Edition: Give it What You Got

2008-10-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

Tired of partisan bickering? Want to see Americans truly united? Put these guys on stage, turn up the volume, and break off the knob.

For your consideration: A post-debate, pre-election return to sanity. Seriously, try not to like this.

This is, like, really Difficult

2008-10-13T12:36:00.000-04:00

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John McCain: Insufferable Cock

2008-10-07T21:28:00.000-04:00

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Allow Myself to Introduce Myself

2008-09-09T01:18:00.003-04:00

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Cheney does not look so bad now...

2008-09-02T01:10:00.000-04:00

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What? - RPT Special Edition

2008-08-30T01:44:00.000-04:00

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One of Us

2008-08-25T06:53:00.000-04:00

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Hey, Joe - RPT Special Edition

2008-08-23T08:08:00.000-04:00

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Like Your Grandpa, if He Were Evil

2008-08-19T18:58:00.000-04:00

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Living Well Is The Best Revenge

2008-08-04T10:52:00.002-04:00

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They Think We Are Retarded

2008-07-28T09:15:00.000-04:00

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Some People Call it A Thong

2008-07-21T08:12:00.001-04:00

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The Fear of Which We Do Not Speak

2008-07-14T13:43:00.001-04:00

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