Oxycodone is great, if you like to be lazy

Sorry for the off-week. Your Doctor had surgery and was out of it for the bulk of the week. I woke up long enough to think I saw President Obama calling everyone a bunch of motherfuckers during the State of the Union, but I don't know if I was hallucinating or not.

Let me check FOX News and get back to ya.

In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

RIP J.D. Salinger.

The Funniest Thing Walmart has done since convincing grown men that pleated khaki pants are not just for 12 year olds.

More, Please

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click here to see my ouchie

Hot Friday

It's Friday. Shake your Supergrass.

Bye, Bye Co Co

Headlines sucks.

For the Record

Spring Training starts in a few short weeks, and in the event anyone needed reminding:

So are you also going to tell me that Mark McGuire used steriods? That wrestling is fake? When does it Stop?

John Edwards admitted that he is that father of Rielle Hunter's child, and that he and his wife Elizabeth have separated. Yes, the Democrats have major problems right now, but can you imagine if this assclown had been the nominee, or elected? I mean, I will take incompetent leadership over destruction of the party any day, but did he have to be such a dick?

Young had also taped an interview with 20/20 to be aired next week. In that interview, Young claims Edwards asked him to arrange a fake paternity test.

"Get a doctor to fake the DNA results," Young said Edwards told him.

Edwards also wanted to find out secretly if the baby really was his, Young alleges.

"And he asked me ... to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child," he says in the interview.

And what does this mean for Joe Biden? Reviewing the last few Democratic Vice-Presidential nominees we have:

1. Geraldine Ferraro - now securely in the role of "crazy grandma" of the party. Remember her great defense of Hillary? No? Neither do we.
2. Lloyd Bentsen - used his public stage to show he had more mental firepower than Dan Quayle, while simultaneously providing the only moment of the campaign people remember, other than Dukakis in the tank. How hard was either of those?
3. Al Gore - regardless of actual vote totals, could not destroy George W. Bush in any debate, and refused to let Bill Clinton campaign for him and seal the deal. Then to top it off, he picked...
4. Joe Liebermann - lost the primary in his own state, left the party, and was going to run with John McCain as his VP.
5. John Edwards - uugh. Provides Democrats with the silver lining of, "at least Clinton didn't knock anyone up."

If I am Joe Biden, I am finding the cure for cancer.

Hangover Plus One

Barack Obama was inagurated as President of the United States one year ago today. How do you think the whole "not smoking anymore" thing is holding up?

And, do you think he may wish for a pile of rubble he can stand on top of? And if so, can that pile of rubble include Harry Reid?

Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Love

During the Holiday Break, we missed acknowledging the birthday of Elvis Presley, which reminds me of this story, which is completely true:

In 1992, the United States Postal Service commemorated the birth of Elvis by featuring his likeness on a postage stamp, and allowed the American Public to choose which image would grace the stamp. The final choices were an image of Elvis as a young, rebellious, rocker/movie star, and an image of him as a Vegas-inspired, jumpsuit-clad, vicodin lover.

After a long voting process, young Elvis was chosen, and has since become one of the most popular stamps ever produced by the Postal Service. My on-air reaction to this was the following,

This week, the Postal Service announced that Young Elvis has won the nationwide vote,and will be appearing on stamps in the near future. Personally though, if I had to lick the backside of a Presley, I'd rather it be Lisa Marie.

When I got home that night, my mother told me that the joke was inappropriate. My father, on the other hand, thought it was very funny.

Act of God

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Paging Mr. Merrick

It's Friday. Shake your trunk...




UPDATE: This post has been edited from its original posting. The title of the post was changed because it was far cooler. Sorry about the delayed gratification.

Brithday on the Interwebs

Two years ago, a bouncing baby crawled through the digital cervix. A few notes:

• Notice that the date of publication and the date on the actual comic are different. I fired the person in charge of continuity that afternoon (sorry Mom.)
• Notice the misspelling in the second frame. After that, I decided not to write these when I was high on horse tranquilizers.
• Notice my very first punch line is about Jamie Lynn Spears. Jamie Lynn Spears. Really, there is no apology sufficient enough.

Although, I used Britney on Wednesday, so I don't know if this place has matured or not...

I'm With CoCo

And, apparently, so is Adolf. Who knew he was such a fan of the Irish?



Fun fact: Leno is Italian for douche. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is funnier than any joke Jay told for 19 years on the Tonight Show.)

NBC - I poop on you.

Ma'am? In the interest of National Security, I need to see your Vagina.

On December 17, 1903, Orville Wright flew an airplane for twelve seconds, marking the first, engine-powered flight in the history of man. Throughout the century since then, airplanes have crashed due to engine problems, been blown up by bombs, and been flown into buildings (though Rudy Guliani may dispute that last one.) After these tragedies, safety and security measures were enacted, mostly unnoticed, and the traveling public went about their lives.

On December 22, 2001, a man named Richard Reid tried to blow up a plane with a bomb he had planted in his shoe. His attack was unsuccessful, thankfully keeping the phrase "it's gotta be the shoes" out of the bloody hands of Al Queida. After this incident, a strong new security measure was put in place requiring every airplane passenger in the United States to take off their shoes. (My dad would call this "fixing the barn door after the cows have left.)

I am not kidding. In 98 years and five days of human flight, one guy, one time tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoe, and now everyone who wants to fly needs to take their shoes off.

On December 25, 2009, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow up a U.S. bound plane with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear.

The result:



At least Britney Spears will be able to skip right through the checkpoints from now on...

2010: The Year of the Crazygasm

So, I go away for two weeks and everyone looses their damn minds?

Just when I was getting bored out of my skull watching the Democrats prove that they cannot govern their way out of a wet paper bag if given scissors, and convincing myself that the idea of health-care reform was much better than actual health-care reform, somebody tries to blow up his ass on an airplane, our Negro President is to blame, and, apparently, 9/11 did not actually happen. Plus, we are losing not only Oprah, but Tyra, and Simon Cowell.

And why is anyone surprised that our girl Sarah is now on FOX?

What does all of this mean to you? A banner year here at the Theater tm (and it's an election year!) Keep your arms inside the car, kids. Daddy is gonna ignore the speed limit for a while.

Da Prezdent Don' Play Dat Shiznik

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At Least I Have Not Been Holding My Breath.

It's 2010. Where is my flying car?