Fax Machine Anthems, Get Your Damn Hands Up

Are you glad it’s Friday? Hell yes.

Less Funny "Ha Ha," More Funny "Oh Crap."

While Pakistan normally brings to mind images of your nuclear-armed crazy "down the block" neighbor who probably harbors fugitives for fun and profit, lately the region has been the center of disater and hardship not of their own political doing.

Best estimates from the international community say over 2,000 Pakistanis have died due to recent flooding, with over 20 Million displaced. Over 1/5th of the country is under water.

Pakistan is also believed to be the current hiding place of Osama bin Laden (remember him?) and, as a result, the West has a vested political and emotional intrest in the recovery of the area, besides basic human decency and aid.

If you were to guess which organization was operating the most efficient and effective relief camps (providing water, food, medicine, and housing,) who would you pick?

You would probably be wrong.

Same Place, Same Time, Really Different Dream

Looking for something to do this weekend?

The Martin Luther King of our time, Glenn Beck, is leading his legions in a march on Washington this Saturday, August 28th. This happens to be the anniversary of King's "I Have A Dream" speech (and the aniversary of Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the DNC Convention, but, for some reason, he fails to mention that.) To drive the point home that his version of America is better than yours, Beck will be giving his speech at the focal point of his rally, the footsteps of the Lincoln Memorial. Yes, that Lincoln Memorial.

Does this take balls? HUGE ones. (Particularly the "Glenn Beck Morning Prayer." Sample prayer: "Lord, thank you for making me white. Kill the Muslims. Amen.") But just what type of person is going to be attending Whackapalooza?

Guys like this.

This Maine Tea Partier is making sure his followers are not only ready and willing to show the love, but will be safe from the dirty foreigners that infest Washington D.C. Actually, this is a good primer for anyone who has never visited DC AND has never seen any "black people." SO it is a double-win! As always, my favorite part come from the user comments, and one of the converted relaying his experiences in the Capital:

While I was there I stayed in a cheap motel and had the window
open. I was on the third floor. While I was on the phone, there was
a burst of 9MM automatic weapons fire on the street. It was live in the
street of Washington, DC, which is more dangerous than Baghdad.

Good times. We are free at last.

Does Anyone Here Speak Jive?

You would think this was a joke. You be wrong.

Home-Delivered Crazy Wrapped in a Red, White, and Blue Bow

Your good Doctor has long believed that social network sites are no place to espouse political beliefs. Your friends don’t want to know that you voted for Alan Keyes and were not drunk at the time, and you don’t want to know that your long-lost buddy has a picture of Dick Cheney making out with the corpse of Dick Nixon tattooed on his ass. It is the same “wink/nod” approach you take in church when the Klan member in the pew in front of you sings a hymn about unity. (Side note: this was the case in my church as a kid. Seriously.)

So, when a friend of mine posted a poll on Facebook questioning President Obama’s decision to spend Veterans Day in Chicago instead of Arlington National Cemetery (because he is probably a Muslim fake-president) I felt the need to respond, in the sake of historical accuracy, and fairness.

Over the course of a brief back and forth, I opined that one can dislike the President for whatever reason they want, legitimate or not. However, if this was going to be the rock she built her campsite on, she should be sure she is right. (Another side note: Obama did not attend the ceremonies at Arlington Cemetery this year, just like Regan did not in four of his eight years, W in four of his eight, and the way GHWBush skipped Arlington all four years of his presidency, and he was a VETERAN of WWII.)

I pointed this out, which was followed by a different commenter over three different postings over five minutes that the president was a “SOB.” I then thanked that person for his well thought out, reasoned, adult response. What followed that is presented below.

Sometimes, the crazy is just given right to you.

Names have been omitted to preserve anonymity. Spelling, grammar, syntax, and mouth-foaming apoplexy are presented in their entirety, to preserve the insanity:

One question- since it seems your an Obama Fan. Did you serve your country for the Freedom to say whats on your Mind? My Brother and I DID!!!! So before you come on my wifes page preaching to a man that put his country before himself, with me at his side every day,think twice before insulting him. You can take your calm rational manner to Washington Dc and Join the Obama communist parade and wave your commie pinko fag boxer breifs from a flagpole for all I care. John and I fought for YOU to have that right, the same as for me to call you an asshole. Asshole because this isnt your place to come on here and insult any of her friends. You only really got MY attention because of who the friend is. Your only safely sitting behind your computer keyboard insulting him BECAUSE of him and I and people like us that served to protect your safety and freedoms. You go to your profile and insult all the people you want, dont do it here, especially to John. I'd venture to say you didnt serve your country or you'd see what freedoms the man you are defending is taking from you. So HERE IS WHAT GETS ME GOING- Its because of people like you that put that POS in office, that we are seeing our freedoms removed, Healthcare costs shoved down our hardworking throats, raising our national debt to levels that make the Chinese smile as they BUY AMERICA, and the government taking over our banking system and grabbing hold of anything they can while they have a socialist in disguise in office. He was going to bring home our troops, all of them, Remember that promise? Do you rememebr that he has actually increased the amount of Troops deployed? He lied to you to get your vote. How do you like your change now? Did you not care about the AIG execs that he pushed to get there company baled out of there financial troubles and then they went to a swank resort in California with our tax dollars to celebrate? BOA, Fanny Mae, any of it? How quick you forget all the false promises, followed by all the deceit and tax dollars he has wasted giving back to his Million Dollar contributors that got him elected. For Christs sake the man had a press conference to call a Cop that was doing his job STUPID, have any other Presidents gotten involved with a local Police department matter Mr Historically accurate???? With that said He could have showed up to the ceremony to remember our Fallen that have given there lives for us.Or are you saying that the Black Harvard Professor incident was more worth his time? My wife has been a firm Democrat since I knew her until YOUR boy took office. So put that in your Obama pipe and smoke it!"

Funny thing is, I still don’t know what gets him going…

Oh. Now I Get It…

As you may have noted, the “Crisis Against America” du jour is the looming construction of the 9/11-Ground Zero-Obama Mosque in New York City that: 1. is not a Mosque, 2. is not located at Ground Zero, and 3. will be located next a strip club, restaurants, businesses, and all the other trappings of everyday life for people of all faiths and backgrounds that, up until now, have not done anything to trample on the memories of those that died.

While most of the uproar seems to be rooted in good, old white redneck American xenophobia, there may actually be a good reason to protest the construction. RPT has recently uncovered the construction plans for “the Site” and, as you can see for yourself, there is reason for anger indeed:

Seriously. Puma? Everyone knows that is so 1980s. Haven’t any of the planners heard of Sketchers?

Unless this is some sort of veiled “Black Panthers” reference. Damn Obama.

Paperback Writer

"Dear Sir or Madam would you read my book? It took me years to write, would you take a look?"

This book is cool, and the author is hot. Trust me on this.

(there is a link to this book attached to the left-hand panel as well. Click away, buy a copy, and tell your friends. All of them. Now.)

F.U.B.A.R.

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There is a Pulse

I'm still alive, kiddies. Sorry for the silence.

Oxycodone is great, if you like to be lazy

Sorry for the off-week. Your Doctor had surgery and was out of it for the bulk of the week. I woke up long enough to think I saw President Obama calling everyone a bunch of motherfuckers during the State of the Union, but I don't know if I was hallucinating or not.

Let me check FOX News and get back to ya.

In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

RIP J.D. Salinger.

The Funniest Thing Walmart has done since convincing grown men that pleated khaki pants are not just for 12 year olds.

More, Please

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click here to see my ouchie

Hot Friday

It's Friday. Shake your Supergrass.

Bye, Bye Co Co

Headlines sucks.

For the Record

Spring Training starts in a few short weeks, and in the event anyone needed reminding:

So are you also going to tell me that Mark McGuire used steriods? That wrestling is fake? When does it Stop?

John Edwards admitted that he is that father of Rielle Hunter's child, and that he and his wife Elizabeth have separated. Yes, the Democrats have major problems right now, but can you imagine if this assclown had been the nominee, or elected? I mean, I will take incompetent leadership over destruction of the party any day, but did he have to be such a dick?

Young had also taped an interview with 20/20 to be aired next week. In that interview, Young claims Edwards asked him to arrange a fake paternity test.

"Get a doctor to fake the DNA results," Young said Edwards told him.

Edwards also wanted to find out secretly if the baby really was his, Young alleges.

"And he asked me ... to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child," he says in the interview.

And what does this mean for Joe Biden? Reviewing the last few Democratic Vice-Presidential nominees we have:

1. Geraldine Ferraro - now securely in the role of "crazy grandma" of the party. Remember her great defense of Hillary? No? Neither do we.
2. Lloyd Bentsen - used his public stage to show he had more mental firepower than Dan Quayle, while simultaneously providing the only moment of the campaign people remember, other than Dukakis in the tank. How hard was either of those?
3. Al Gore - regardless of actual vote totals, could not destroy George W. Bush in any debate, and refused to let Bill Clinton campaign for him and seal the deal. Then to top it off, he picked...
4. Joe Liebermann - lost the primary in his own state, left the party, and was going to run with John McCain as his VP.
5. John Edwards - uugh. Provides Democrats with the silver lining of, "at least Clinton didn't knock anyone up."

If I am Joe Biden, I am finding the cure for cancer.

Hangover Plus One

Barack Obama was inagurated as President of the United States one year ago today. How do you think the whole "not smoking anymore" thing is holding up?

And, do you think he may wish for a pile of rubble he can stand on top of? And if so, can that pile of rubble include Harry Reid?

Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Love

During the Holiday Break, we missed acknowledging the birthday of Elvis Presley, which reminds me of this story, which is completely true:

In 1992, the United States Postal Service commemorated the birth of Elvis by featuring his likeness on a postage stamp, and allowed the American Public to choose which image would grace the stamp. The final choices were an image of Elvis as a young, rebellious, rocker/movie star, and an image of him as a Vegas-inspired, jumpsuit-clad, vicodin lover.

After a long voting process, young Elvis was chosen, and has since become one of the most popular stamps ever produced by the Postal Service. My on-air reaction to this was the following,

This week, the Postal Service announced that Young Elvis has won the nationwide vote,and will be appearing on stamps in the near future. Personally though, if I had to lick the backside of a Presley, I'd rather it be Lisa Marie.

When I got home that night, my mother told me that the joke was inappropriate. My father, on the other hand, thought it was very funny.

Act of God

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Paging Mr. Merrick

It's Friday. Shake your trunk...




UPDATE: This post has been edited from its original posting. The title of the post was changed because it was far cooler. Sorry about the delayed gratification.

Brithday on the Interwebs

Two years ago, a bouncing baby crawled through the digital cervix. A few notes:

• Notice that the date of publication and the date on the actual comic are different. I fired the person in charge of continuity that afternoon (sorry Mom.)
• Notice the misspelling in the second frame. After that, I decided not to write these when I was high on horse tranquilizers.
• Notice my very first punch line is about Jamie Lynn Spears. Jamie Lynn Spears. Really, there is no apology sufficient enough.

Although, I used Britney on Wednesday, so I don't know if this place has matured or not...

I'm With CoCo

And, apparently, so is Adolf. Who knew he was such a fan of the Irish?



Fun fact: Leno is Italian for douche. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is funnier than any joke Jay told for 19 years on the Tonight Show.)

NBC - I poop on you.

Ma'am? In the interest of National Security, I need to see your Vagina.

On December 17, 1903, Orville Wright flew an airplane for twelve seconds, marking the first, engine-powered flight in the history of man. Throughout the century since then, airplanes have crashed due to engine problems, been blown up by bombs, and been flown into buildings (though Rudy Guliani may dispute that last one.) After these tragedies, safety and security measures were enacted, mostly unnoticed, and the traveling public went about their lives.

On December 22, 2001, a man named Richard Reid tried to blow up a plane with a bomb he had planted in his shoe. His attack was unsuccessful, thankfully keeping the phrase "it's gotta be the shoes" out of the bloody hands of Al Queida. After this incident, a strong new security measure was put in place requiring every airplane passenger in the United States to take off their shoes. (My dad would call this "fixing the barn door after the cows have left.)

I am not kidding. In 98 years and five days of human flight, one guy, one time tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoe, and now everyone who wants to fly needs to take their shoes off.

On December 25, 2009, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow up a U.S. bound plane with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear.

The result:



At least Britney Spears will be able to skip right through the checkpoints from now on...

2010: The Year of the Crazygasm

So, I go away for two weeks and everyone looses their damn minds?

Just when I was getting bored out of my skull watching the Democrats prove that they cannot govern their way out of a wet paper bag if given scissors, and convincing myself that the idea of health-care reform was much better than actual health-care reform, somebody tries to blow up his ass on an airplane, our Negro President is to blame, and, apparently, 9/11 did not actually happen. Plus, we are losing not only Oprah, but Tyra, and Simon Cowell.

And why is anyone surprised that our girl Sarah is now on FOX?

What does all of this mean to you? A banner year here at the Theater tm (and it's an election year!) Keep your arms inside the car, kids. Daddy is gonna ignore the speed limit for a while.

Da Prezdent Don' Play Dat Shiznik

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At Least I Have Not Been Holding My Breath.

It's 2010. Where is my flying car?